The Bullsh*t We are Taught About How to Know if We are in Love!
I read an article today about how to know if you are with your soulmate. The article was giving signs to look for to know if you are with your soulmate.
“You’re Addicted To Spending Time With Them”
One way to notice, the article said, is if you are addicted to spending time with them. If you are not experiencing the symptoms of wanting to spend all waking hours with them to the point where when you leave, you can’t wait until your next date. Where time drags on so much that you have to call them or talk to them.
”If not, you’re in trouble.” It says.
”True love is very much like forming a strong addiction.”
Stating that science has proven that the chemicals we experience in our brains when finding true love equate to that of cocaine.
I had to stop and shake my head. The bullsh*t we are taught about how to know if we are in love.
The article had some really significant information mixed in with a lot of misconceptions about love and relationships. Confusing.
As someone that lives and breathes relationships, the science, the psychology — the experiences — it took me back. I’m open to always learning more, as there seems to be an endless amount of information on relationships. However, everyone has their “truth” and their “facts”. Mine is different!
The above mentions being addicted to spending time with them. Yes, when we are in the early stage where the hormones are going crazy pumping them into our brains, we have euphoric feelings. It’s the honeymoon stage. This isn’t a sign of compatibility. It’s not a sign of “true love”.
It’s a mixture of reasons it happens from sexual attraction to attributes, to the status of someone. Often, it’s a sign of dysfunctional compatibility much like trauma bonding. Then later on we feel hit by a truck. Being “addicted” to spending time with someone is also a sign of anxious attachment styles or several other reasons that aren’t healthy.
There is a difference between falling in love and infatuation that feels like falling in love.
Therefore, it is so important to educate yourself on relationships. We can’t just trust our “feelings” for the decisions that need to happen. Sure our feelings matter, but it is also good to listen to the other aspects, the logic and reason. It’s unromantic, I know, but also realistic and grounded. It’s healthy.
When we only trust those feel-good feelings that have us believing we are on top of the world and totally addicted to someone, we often find out later, it’s not right for us.
Thinking about someone all the time happens when the brain identifies the chemicals happening with the person and when we think of them and we get more “feel good” doses of a cocaine-like drug. This can be a multitude of reasons. They fit our physical ideal of the person we want or sexually desire, they have other attributes we get turned on about, or it can be that our brain recognizes similar dysfunctions and we’ve attached (without knowing it) with them through, again, dysfunctional bonding. Which is very strong and magnetic. So hard to resist. So confusing.
Whatever the reason, we want the organismic like feeling we have when we are with them, so we think about them when we are not. It’s very addictive.
After the honeymoon stage is over, the brain chemicals balance out and most people settle into some “comfort” with each other, and that is the time where we can see more clearly. We aren’t under the influence.
Like any other mind-altering drug — such as Cocaine- we most likely aren’t making the best choices when we are high. When we aren’t high on Cocaine, we have a more grounded view. Well, some of us do.
In my experience and education — this kind of information that is in these articles such as this is giving information to people to play on that need for “one specific person” that will be our mate, our perfect match. It also misleads people into thinking the chemical high they get is genuine love. If anything, it’s the thing to not trust. It’s the thing to question. Enjoy it and also be conscious of why it happens.
Falling in love can happen at any moment
Falling in true love can happen at any moment in the courting stage. Eons ago it happened after the marriage (and sometimes not). We see it in arranged marriages. It’s not predictable. It’s not always during the early stages of dating when most people think it happens.
There are feel-good hormones with genuine love as well. Though not as addictive. It’s a process and one that should be monitored and looked at realistically. Going through finding a committed partner just by flying around trusting “chemistry” or the chemicals that make us feel high when dating is the very thing that gets us into terrible relationships. Then like an amusement park — roller coaster — we do it again and again because we like that high.
It might work, but it’s a crapshoot at the casino… we roll the dice and we might get lucky.
Instead of gambling with your life, realistically look at the compatibility.
If you can’t stop thinking about being with someone to the point where it feels like you are addicted, take at least 3 days in between dates so you can allow your brain to rid itself of these cocaine-like chemicals and sit with the person ( not physically but mentally and emotionally) — as a person- as a whole person. See how it feels. See if it is compatible.
Enjoy the “feel good” aspect of lust and attraction. If you are looking for a long-term partner, take the time away ground yourself and make a decision that is both romantic and beneficial long term. Not based on dysfunctions that you both experienced earlier in life that later on will be unhealthy. Not based on a chemical high. Based on compatibility, genuine connection, mutual support, and similar lifestyles. Something worth long term.
Photo by Amin Hasani